Tralam-mé

Authentic relationship to the dimension of sexuality—in terms of Aro gTér practice—is linked with the Dzogchen teachings of the Khandro Pawo Nyi-da Mélong Gyüd (mKha’ ’gro dPa bo nyi zLa me long rGyud).

In the Nyi-da Mélong, it is stated that ‘khandro-pawo reflection—in those without stable trèkchod—is obfuscated by multiple partners within the same time frame’. It is for this reason that we discourage ‘open relationship’ in our public teachings – and prohibit such modes within our sangha.

It is deemed impossible to practise the Khandro Pawo Nyi-da Mélong Gyüd unless one is monogamous in one’s sexual relationship. This does not mean the ‘life-long’ monogamy advocated by some religions – because as Buddhists we need to have a realistic understanding of impermanence. ‘Serial monogamy’ is perfectly acceptable within these terms of reference – so long as the time frames involved do not overlap or become so minimal as to preclude a mature approach to relationship and affectionate loving companionship.

Monogamy is stressed because the profound nyam of ‘khandro-pawo reflection’ arises by virtue of interactions between coruscations within the tralam-mé (khra lam me) of the individuals who fall in love. [The word coruscation or ’tro-tag (’phro me sTag ba) pertains to ‘flashing, scintillating, sparking, sparkling, dazzling, and fluttering’.]

Tralam-mé can be translated as ‘poetic turbulences’ or ‘vivid fire of resonance’. Tralam-mé is an energetic within the subtle atmosphere of the body. These ‘poetic turbulences’ facilitate ‘mirroring’ through the ‘rhyming’ of their coruscations.

This subtle yet powerful interplay allows entry into the visionary dimension in which our inner pawo or khandro can be realised. Through this method, and through the mélong-gazing methods of the Nyi-da Mélong, we can achieve realisation with extraordinary ease. The potent characteristics of these coruscations or ‘poetic turbulences’, however, can be destroyed through ‘adulterating’ them with more than one pattern of coruscations. If these coruscations are ‘adulterated’ often enough in one’s life, one can lose the capacity to experience pawo-khandro reflection completely.

At low levels of practice one might not notice one’s sensual / romantic flatness of affect – and merely take one’s condition as circumstantial – but for anyone who has experience beyond shi-nè, the detrimental effect becomes evident.

It is often thought that people become jaded with sexuality due to age – but this is a sad error. Interest in sexuality can remain undiminished into old age as long as one’s tralam-mé has not been adulterated.

People who engage in multiple relationships on a continued basis throughout their lives, gradually erode their srog (life-energy) as well as their tralam-mé. Such people become increasingly querulous, argumentative, and irritable. They become disharmonious within groups of friends and find themselves unable to accede to the wishes or ideas of others. People who have adulterous relations harm not only their own ability to experience pawo-khandro reflection, but that of their partner. So it is not merely a question of harming oneself through multiple sexual relationships. Flirtatious behaviour in whatever respect—if it is accompanied by sexual projections—is also damaging, although to a lesser extent.

It is said within many teachings of Vajrayana that our array of senses and their respective sensory fields are in constant coitus – and we therefore may conclude that promiscuity is in some way natural. However, practitioners of the inner tantras must remember that these statements do not refer to the projection of sexual phantasies onto men and women other than our partners. If we indulge in erotic phantasies about men or women other than our romantic partners, we adulterate our tralam-mé. The word ‘adulterate’ means ‘water down’ or ‘dilute’ – and it is interesting to connect this word with adultery in terms of gaining a deeper understanding of the word.

This position with regard to adultery is not a moralistic or puritanical one. This idea does not reflect puritanism or the sanctimonious style of Victorian ethics. Neither does it state that one cannot have a series of attempts at relationship throughout one’s life – it is simply that theses attempts at relationship should be serial, and should not overlap.

One needs to approach sexuality with romantic respect, genuine kindness, and emotional openness. One needs to understand that the alternative to celibacy in Buddhism is not merely selfish indulgence of one’s desire at the expense of others. One can ‘dress’ sexual misconduct in the clothing of freedom and lack of moralistic inhibitions – but it remains an obstacle to practice nonetheless. This is an important statement in view of the high regard shown to celibate practitioners in terms of their discipline. It could be a shock to realise that non-celibacy is a more demanding path, and that its discipline is vast and subtle. It should be accurately understood, that ordination into the gö kar chang lo’i dé (gos dKar lCang lo’i sDe) is not chosen as an ‘easier option’ than celibacy. The monastic path is simpler and easier to follow. It is completely structured and designed to support the individual, whereas the structure of Vajrayana embraces endless nuances of reality as the play of precision and passion.

Buddhas such as Padmasambhava and Yeshé Tsogyel are capable of engaging with multiple partners because their tralam-mé is non-dual and therefore incapable of being disturbed. The tralam-mé of an enlightened being is compassionately chameleoid and dances with the poetic turbulences of anyone who is open. When Buddhas engage sexually with dualised beings, those beings are vastly benefited. Buddhas can benefit others through sexuality in many contexts. Unless one is fully enlightened, however, ‘muliplisitic sexual contact’ is harmful. Mahasiddhas of the past, including Drukpa Künlegs and Trungpa Rinpoche, were capable of such extraordinary activity and benefited countless beings. Present-day masters such as Dung-sé Thrin-lé Norbu Rinpoche, and Kyabjé Künzang Dorje and Jomo Sam’phel are also unquestioned in their capacity. But ordinary practitioners such as ourselves are not capable of such marvellous non-dual behaviour. We have to know our condition accurately and act accordingly. It is stated in many texts that it is a grave error to imitate the extraordinary outer activity of beings whose realisation exceeds one’s own.