Celebrate every aspect of each other

Prospective apprentices You said that trust and respect are essential in relationship—could you say more about that—just so that we can understand what you mean in terms of what we should be doing differently—but particularly with regard to practice and how to view this pragmatically in terms of Dharma?

Lamas Trust and respect are the emptiness and form of romance. To attempt to be happy with each other without trust and respect is impossible. This is a cast iron rule. This means that you must listen to each other with open minds and open hearts. Without sufficient trust and respect you will always fear each other and live as ‘intimate adversaries in an uncertain truce’. Most couples to one degree or another do live merely as intimate adversaries, but for practitioners this is obviously something to be avoided. The first step is to root out lack of trust and lack of respect. Do not offer distrust and disrespect and do not accept either from each other. In terms of non-acceptance of distrust and disrespect, this needs to be pointed out with the greatest kindness and consideration—and without blame. You live with a certain degree of anxiety with respect to each other. This causes difficulties with regard to cordial communication. You need to learn to expect kindness and tolerance from each other rather than emotional pressure, covert coercion, and disapproval. You both need to feel valued and appreciated by each other—even for your perceived foibles and weaknesses. Foibles and weaknesses must become endearing. You should not fear derision, disfavour, disrespect, disapproval, contempt, censure, scorn, or condemnation. You chose each other and only have yourselves to blame if you deem your judgement not to have been sound. Having chosen each other you can now only celebrate every aspect of each other. The only way forward, for any couple, is to find more and more to love and cherish within each other.